21 Day Communication Study

Sitting at home one night I reflected on my relationships and how I used to be so connected to everyone. I was the type of person that others used to tell me, “thanks for staying in touch Gina. I get so busy, but I love that you stay in touch because I enjoy our relationship”. I then reflected on the fact that I missed that old version of myself because I felt like I had not been living those words for quite some time.

Let me explain…

Early on in my 20’s I was the connecting machine. I stayed in touch with everyone. After years of doing this for many people, it began to get tiring and taxing. I felt that if a relationship was going to succeed that both parties should be willing to give some time to keeping it going. I never understood how my friends, family, and connections didn’t have time to touch base for 5-10 minutes. Everyone was always “busy”.

I started to feel out of site, out of mind. Maybe that is what a lot of people feel like as they get older and believe that staying in touch is more difficult. I refused to believe this, but was frustrated that it was a one-way street. I started connecting less and less each year with those that I loved and cared about. It was not that I didn’t’ think about them every day or want to talk with them.

I did.

I just sometimes wished they acted like they cared about me and wanted to talk to me too. Even just for 5 minutes.

Fast forward 10 years and I was sitting in my home reflecting on a course discussion/reflection assignment I was working on. It brought me back to the one thing in my life that I have felt has been neglected the most – the one thing that made me the most happy – the one thing that made me… me.

That was connection.

And I was lacking.

Lacking in connection so much that I felt sad. I felt alone.

I felt that I had friends and family and acquaintances that I thought about them all the time, but did they think about me? Do they care? Do I care? Was my sadness over the past 5 years a reflection of losing connection with others that I met in my life or was it something else? I sat there reflecting on this for a while. Days even.

Finally I realized that all these years, as I stopped talking to friends and family and even those I just met on a regular basis, I felt that I started to lose a part of myself. I started to retract into my own shell, without even realizing it. It began harder and harder to reach out to people. Conversations became long and drawn out and felt more like a “catch up” call or connection than a real, heart-felt connection.

See what I always knew – something that was just part of my soul - was that people make us become the best version of ourselves because we are no longer focused on what “our” day/life is all about all the time, but more focused on what “others” lives are about. It opens us up to sharing more and more about our lives and truly enjoying and wanting to know about someone else’s life. This reflection made me realize that my spirit was trapped and therefore, causing me to feel shut in.

Now if you know me, you will know that I am a calculated person. I like to think things over – both sides and reason with myself before coming to a conclusion or taking action. While this as helped and hurt me over the years, it is just how my brain works!

But the weirdest thing happened this night as I was reflecting.

Something inside me said, “Gina – you just need to get out there and reconnect. It doesn’t matter with whom. Just put it out there and the right people will connect with you. You need this. Maybe someone else does too.”

In that split second thought, I blasted out a message to my network and close friends and family to see if they wanted to join me in a connection study. I was going to conduct a 21 day connection study to see if chatting or meeting face to face with someone for 21 days would do anything for that person’s spiritual soul and happiness. Would it matter if it were a close friend, family member, or acquaintance? Would it feel different to connect every day as opposed to every few days or every week? Would we run out of things to talk about? Would it help build the relationship? Would it make us feel happier in general? Or just happier that day? Or would nothing change? Is connecting with others about getting a “feeling” or change in mood – or is it simply a habit? That is why I specifically chose 21 days. To see if it would become natural to just do or if people/myself looked forward to it. I had so many questions and theories. I just wanted to test it out and see what information I could gather.

To my surprise, I received quite a few responses back. Wow! Now I expected that from a few friends, but the thing that really surprised me was that I heard from people in my life that I would NEVER have thought wanted to connect. At least not for 21 days!

I was actually blown away at first… but then thought…wow how cool. How fun!

And then I thought….wow! how busy I am going to be! LOL. Hey it did cross my mind J

So I reached out to each person and set up a schedule to connect with them for 21 days. Overall I connected with 2 people weekly, 2 people every other day/couple days, and 5 people every single day, for a total of 9 people. Some calls lasted 5 minutes, while others went on for an hour or longer! Each day varied as each call varied, but for the most part we tried to keep the call time the same each day. At the end of 21 days, I stopped all calls in order to reflect on the 21 days and also see what it felt like to not have that connection each day.

I am excited to share with you my personal reflection on the study; as well as, the reflections of those I connected with.

My reflection:

Overall I felt that it was a moderate challenge to connect with 5 people each day. Now this of course would vary depending on how much was going on in my day or even how I felt that day. It would also vary depending on if the calls were grouped closer together or spread throughout the day. So there were actually a lot of factors that affected my reflection each day.

I found it easier to connect with the people in the late morning or late afternoon, as it was a good “break” or chance for me to have a conversation. However, I did note that the calls that occurred later in the evening tended to last longer, probably because I had some extra time. So this told me that there really is no good time, but that if you are a busy person, a scheduled morning call might be best to make sure to fit it in!

As for the length of the study, the first week was the most challenging; the second week flew by so fast I couldn’t believe it, and the third week just started to feel like normal. I think the first week we were all trying to get used to it and so it was a little harder to both remember to make the call and secondly to recall what to talk about.

As for the frequency of the calls, I did feel more connected to those I talked to every day and way more connected to those I talked to on Facetime or Skype – or even face to face. However, depending on our relationship, I also felt more connected to the people I spoke to every few days or even once a week. I think that this shows the natural progression of friendship or building a relationship.

Hence why they call it “building” a relationship!!!

It starts small and not as frequent. Then overtime it builds up through more connection and more soulful connection. Then it becomes a daily or very frequent communication.

Asking good questions and remembering events or things they told me about was critical to good conversation and soulful conversation the following day. It helped progress the conversation and allowed us to build on top of things instead of always feeling like we had to start over from the beginning. I can see how this can be really useful in everyday life, but obviously also in business; as you begin to become a part of that persons day and their needs. So as I progressed along my day I was always thinking about what we had discussed and ideas popped into my head that I was ale to share with them the next day that in the end helped them.

I would definitely say that some people were easier to talk to then others. Meaning that I felt the need to lead the conversations with some. I do not feel like this changed the more we talked, so I am assuming it is a personality type thing. However, I did feel a better connection with the people that seemed to be talking to me with their full attention during the call, rather then doing other things or being distracted while on the call. I felt that they listened more with their heart to what I was saying, instead of just listening and talking to talk. So I found that very interesting. I think it shows that if we are going to have a conversation with someone, we should make a point to stop, listen, talk, and connect. The conversation doesn’t have to be drawn out or long in this case (unless you want it to be!) because you were able to feel the connection faster and it was more wholesome and had a longer lasting affect through the day.

You know, quick side note…. being present was huge. Just stopping what I was doing for 5 to 10 minutes to have a conversation allowed me to connect at a lot deeper level and to read the person I was talking to on a deeper level.

MEANING, I could sense if they were stressed out or rushing, or had something on their mind – or if they just felt relaxed. I found that to be really helpful because it helped set my tone and ultimately determine the direction of the conversation. If they needed to talk, I was able to give them the chance and I was present enough to KNOW I needed to do that.

As for those that I spoke with, here is a summary of their reflection.

Here are some comments (summarized) from those I considered an acquaintance – meaning they didn’t know me very well and we may have only spoken a few times casually:

• At first it was a little weird, but then I actually looked forward to talking each day.

• I was surprised we always had something to talk about!

• It was nice because it made an impact on me that you were interested in what I had to say and it made me interested in what you had to say!

• We still have so much more to talk about!

• It was tough to fit it into my schedule at times, but we figured it out!

• I was feeling down and this helped me reconnect with someone else and myself in the process!

Here are some comments (summarized) from those I considered a good friend or family member.

• The calls made me feel more connected to you.

• The calls gave me a deeper connection to you.

• It really just became a habit.

• The call time was associated with something pleasant in my day.

• Made me feel happy and kept me away from negativity.

• It was nice to talk and stay updated on each other because it just strengthened our relationship.

Overall, the majority said that they really enjoyed connecting. It made them realize that they need to connect more with other people in their lives. There are people we care about and want to stay in touch with and it is important to grow that relationship more often because it makes us happier, more fulfilled, and it is just fun!

I am happy to report that to this day, almost a month after the study, I am still in touch with that group of people on a consistent basis and that is awesome. J

In summary, our need to connect is just that. A need. We need it just as much as the other person needs it. So the next time we think that we don’t have the time, we need to rethink that thought. We do have the time. We need to make the time for our own wellness and happiness.

And one more thought to leave you with… there will come a day when we won’t be able to connect with that person any longer. We don’t know when that day will be, so we need to remember to cherish every single day and be grateful that we have the opportunity to grow our happiness and someone else’s’ happiness with a simple hello.

Now, let me ask you…

Who are you going to connect with today?